What The Heck?
by EvilFuzzy9
Summary: A oneshot I made, I went a little over board, any ways. This story is about two religious leaders trying to settle an argument. Contains some religious elements. Rated for... well, you will know when you read it.


What The Heck?

By EvilFuzzy9

Proofread by DarkEvilFuzzy666

Narrated by Fairy Kyuubi

Dedicated to Sir Chris, LackOfName, Atari Atagashi-Chan, and Jesus, of course. (You will understand once you read the fic.)

Line

Narrator: It was a fine day in Konoha Gakure no Sato (sp?), the birds were chirping, the children were playing, and two people were having a heated discussion about religious philosophy.

Priest: Well I say the demon's darkness would overwhelm him.

Pastor: Well I say that the boy accepting salvation would neutralize the sins of a demon.

(I take it that you are confused. Well let us backtrack.)

_Flash back_

_The pastor is walking through the village streets, with a skip in his step and a song on his tongue. Today he is on a mission. Today he is going to convert a jinchuuriki. Naruto Uzumaki, the pastor has taken pity on the poor boy's misfortune, and has decided to deliver him from darkness._

_Priest: Hey what are you so happy about, _choir boy

_Pastor: I'm going to convert the Naruto boy._

_Priest: Pfft. A waste of time with the demon fox inside him. Thanks to the seal their destinies are intertwined. No amount of human intervention can save a demon._

_Pastor: Ah, but you see the boy is still human, and the Lord has given every man an equal opportunity for salvation._

_Priest: Yes, but this boy is a special case. You cannot expect the rules to stay the same for him._

_Pastor: You honestly think having the Kyuubi fused with him, against his own will, makes the boy automatically lost to evil? Well you are speaking nonsense._

End Flash back 

Narrator: And so here we are, with two religious leaders, arguing over the boy's fate. What a couple of fools.

Director (My best friend, Kyle): Hey, pinky, shut up and read your lines as they are written.

Narrator (_Still_ Fairy Kyuubi, in case I need to remind you): I'm not pink I'm _red_! A manly color, DAMNIT!

Director: So? It takes a true man to wear pink.

Narrator: How so?

Director: Simple, you need to be tough enough to beat the living daylights out of anyone who dares to laugh at you.

Narrator: Interesting…

Writer (ME!): As interesting as this conversation is, I'm afraid that Priest and Pastor have now walked off to convert Naruto so they can settle their bet.

Narrator: Wait, how can they do that?

Writer: It's no longer about whether or not he goes to heaven, they came to terms on that subject by admitting that it's kind of hard to test whether or not someone goes to heaven.

Narrator: So?

Writer: Well… they then made a bet to see which denomination he would join. The Pastor chose Rhode Island Baptist, and the Priest chose Roman Catholic.

Narrator: Okay, well let us find Naruto, for where he is the Priest and Pastor will be also.

Time skip line

Narrator: Naruto was at Ichiraku Ramen Bar, where he was being served by a blushing Ayame. (Why blushing? Because I pity Naruto, so I have a natural disposition towards stories where Naruto is the object of general female affection)

Ayame: Here is your miso ramen Naruto-kun.

Naruto: Thanks Ayame-nee-chan.

Ayame: _Alright, he's calling me nee-chan, it's just a matter of until he drops the 'nee' and he shall be all mine_ Mwahahahahaha!

Narrator: Noticing the strange looks she was getting, Ayame realized she had laughed out loud.

Ayame: What? …Oh sorry I just remembered remembered a funny joke about a blonde walking into a bar.

Naruto: Yeah? That happened to me once. I woke up three hours later, and I had a bad headache.

Narrator: Upon hearing this several people sweat dropped.

Teuchi: _That boy is always good for a laugh or two, whether he realizes or not._((1))

Kyuubi:** Oh no. My religion senses are tingling. Doom comes to convert you.**

Naruto:_ What's your point fox?_

Kyuubi:** I'm saying you should run.**

Naruto: I'm not running.

Narrator: Right after he said this he realized that he… well said it.

Naruto (Thinking up an alibi quickly, he put on a faux annoyed face): What? I was just thinking of training methods I could use.

Narrator: This excuse seemed to sate the curiosity of onlookers, for they soon went on with their daily lives. But before things could settle down the Priest and Pastor arrived on scene.

Priest (Lugging a bag of various pointy and generally freaky-looking instruments that seemed out of place in the possession of a man of the Lord): Greetings, boy. I am here to help you pay the debt your sins have created.

Naruto (Looking rather clueless): Who? Me?

Pastor (Speaking up before the Priest could say anything): Yes! _I_ shall teach you in the ways of the Rhode Island Baptist church!

Teuchi (Temporarily breaking the fourth wall by covertly whispering to the author): This might take a while, you should probably put in a time skip line.

Time Skip Line

Narrator: Okay, time for a recap. The Priest and Pastor both explained the wonders of Christianity and all that other stuff that would probably bore the readers. So now Naruto was ready to become a Christian.

Naruto: Okay, so now all I have to do is choose what denomination I wish to join?

Priest: That is correct son.

Pastor: All you must do is choose between Rhode Island Baptist or Roman Catholic.

Naruto: Hmmm… I think I'll choose-

Kyuubi (Through the magic of plot devices they can hear him):** Hey! If my vessel is going to be converted, then I should at least have a say in what denomination!**

Naruto: Well… I guess it seems fair, yeah, okay! So Kyuubi, what denomination do you want?

Kyuubi:** Well… I find myself leaning towards Roman Catholic.**

Narrator: Distraught at the prospect of losing the bet, the pastor decides to intervene.

Pastor: Wait! Before you decide based on your _friend's_ opinion I would like to know. Why Roman Catholic?

Kyuubi:** Well, I find that the many pointless rituals endearing, not to mention the easily compromised belief system.**

Narrator: The Priest looked disappointed at this, and the Pastor had a feeling that he might win the bet.

Naruto: No. If that's why you want me to choose Roman Catholic then I won't. Besides I find the soft, goody-two-shoes nature of Rhode Island Baptist to be strangely comforting.

Pastor (Clearly dazed by that comment, mumbling): I'm not soft…

Narrator: Before Naruto and Kyuubi could get into an argument, Jiraiya appeared, and put a hand on Naruto's shoulder.

Jiraiya: Naruto, I hear you are going to become a Christian.

Naruto (Looking annoyed like only a teen can): Yeah, so, what's your point ero-sennin?

Jiraiya: Well I suggest you become a mormon. Because I would not want you to be wasting your youthful charm!

Narrator: Gai appears along with team Gai, and Gai slaps Jiraiya.

Jiraiya (Lightly touching the spot where Gai slapped him, and then looking outraged): Oh! It is ON! Sissy-man!

Narrator: So Jiraiya slaps Gai, and soon it escalates into a full-blown catfight.

Lee: Woohoo! Go Gai-sensei! Kick his un-youthful butt!

Tenten (Clearly ashamed at the behavior Thing 1 and Thing 2 are displaying): Lee, you do realize that Gai-sensei is fighting in a manner so girly that I can't even come up for a good comparison!

Lee: But, Tenten. You are a girl.

Tenten: Yeah. A girl armed to the teeth with sharp pointy implements of pain and death.

Neji: She has a point you know.

Naruto: Okay, so I'm _not_ going to become a mormon.

Sakura: Yeah. Why would you want to tie yourself down with religion? Especially when science has all the answers.

Shikamaru (Looking at Sakura like she is an idiot): What are you? An idiot? We are ninjas. We are capable of feats that scientists have been dogmatically defending as impossible for centuries.

Sakura (Getting a look that showed she was feeling superior): Well, when they came up with those ideas the things were impossible. But now, we humans have evolved far enough for those things to be possible.

Shikamaru: Okay, it's official. You are a moron. The very concept of macro-evolution goes against the second law of thermodynamics. A condensed version of which is: That amount of matter and energy in the universe is constant, meaning the universe expanding is impossible, and the amount of usable energy in the universe is always decreasing and the amount of order in the universe is always decreasing, meaning order cannot arise from disorder. Meaning evolution is scientific impossibility.

Sakura: Spoil sport.

Naruto: Okay, so atheism was technically never an option.

Narrator: Now half the village was arguing about what denomination Naruto should join while Naruto was ignoring them and apparently meditating. Just when a fight was about to break out, Naruto stood up and proclaimed that he had made his choice.

Naruto: Okay, Kyuubi and I have been talking and we have made a decision, I am going to become… a Lutheran.

Narrator: At this, half of the village anime fainted while the other half asked why.

Naruto: Because, the Lutheran church combines elements of Protestant and Catholic. Plus Martin Luther never wanted to start new denominations, he just wanted to reform the Catholic church, which at that time was undoubtedly corrupt.

Martin Luther's Ghost: I told you two he would pick Lutheran, and for that reason. So pay up.

Line

Well there you go, a product of light hearted theological musings, and because you were good and read my story, I will give you a short humorous omake. (If that is what it is called, if not, then please tell me.)

OMAKE

Narrator: It had been eighty long years, and Naruto Uzumaki had died as he deserved to. A hero. Having defeated all the members of the Akatsuki seventy-seven years prior, and having retrieved Sasuke Uchiha, seventy-eight years prior, Konoha's only enemy was the sound village, which had quickly grown quite formidable.

So former Rokudaime Hokage Naruto (he had bequeathed the position to Konohamaru forty years earlier, who then gave his position to the granddaughter of Rock Lee) led the (ultimately suicidal) charge against the hostile forces consisting of the Sound's freshest ninjas. (whereas Naruto's forces consisted of his friends, rivals, and other various wizened shinobi of the leaf, who would all in their final battle die as every loyal soldier deserves to die, as heroes)

The battle was epic, at first the leaf were at an advantage against the sound, thanks to their far greater experience, and the determination of those who have nothing to lose. But then enemy reinforcements started pouring in, clearly the Otokage had no intention of losing, and was even willing to sacrifice all that his village was worth, just to take the leaf down with him.

Faced with overwhelming odds, the elder shinobi in Naruto's forces were left with no option but to unleash the various trump cards and secret techniques they had acquired over the years. Moves such as Lee opening all eight chakra gates, Neji and Hinata using the various Hyuuga techniques in their arsenal, Choji eating all three of the Akimichi special pills, Kiba and Akamaru using their double head wolf attack, Sasuke using Ameratsu (He acquired the mangekyou sharingan by killing Orochimaru), and Tenten summoning an ocean of weapons that soared through the air cutting down countless enemy ninjas.

The forces of Konoha were able to stave off the hoards of sound-nin until reinforcements from the leaf arrived, and the flow of enemy support came to a halt. However Naruto realized that the sound would inevitably defeat them, for the elder warriors that had been the one significant advantage for the village hidden in the leaves, were dead. Their attacks could only be maintained for a short time before the reasons they were kinjutsus caught up with them. Naruto knew he wouldn't make it out alive, so he pulled out his greatest trump card, his coup de grace, but not before ordering his remaining forces to fall back to the village, for he knew full well what would happen if they stayed behind.

As his troops fell back, Naruto gave the fox his signal, for Kyuubi had to be ready, it would only last a short time. He recalled the deaths of all those precious to him, he thought about why he was fighting this war, and he unlocked a fury greater than any mortal could muster.

In true Naruto style, his final attack was something that froze all those around in surprise. It was loud, proud, and a bang. No body would forget the indescribable horror that engulfed the battlefield, nor could any amount of therapy help those who saw what happened, (and that was just the people on Naruto's side) in a second they knew why Naruto ordered the retreat.

After all, the Kyuubi no Yokou, The Nine-Tailed Demon Fox, is a nigh unstoppable force, it distinguishes not between friend or foe, once provoked it knows only anger, and it had a vendetta. To finish what its kit had started.

Those who survived the battle, when they spoke of what happened, if you listened closely, in between the trauma induced rants, you will hear an account of the crimson skies, and a blood soaked moon. As Naruto Uzumaki, Rokudaime Hokage, and container of Kyuubi no Yokou, greatest of the youma, unleashed their beautiful rage upon the enemy, the cloudless skies rained a torrent of blood. Bone and steel were crushed into sand, and burnt flesh became the fruit of the land.

Now, at the gates of heaven Naruto and Kyuubi stand before St. Peter.

Peter: Well Naruto, your record says you have permission to enter, as well as you, Kyuubi.

Pastor: See? I told you the power of salvation was far greater than any demon's sins. So pay up.

Priest: Okay.

Peter: Well… actually, the only reason Kyuubi was let in was because it sunk so low as throw away any dignity it had and beg God to let it into heaven with it's kit, Naruto.

Pastor: Wow… to think a demon could do such a thing willingly… amazing.

Priest: Yeah, but you still have to pay me back.

Pastor: Do'h

Naruto walked through heaven, and he met a lot of interesting people. Then he saw his friends all gathered around something, so he ran up and asked what was going on.

Naruto: Whatcha doin'?

Sasuke: See for yourself.

Naruto moved through the crowd, and he gasped when he saw what (or rather who) the big deal was all about.

Yondaime (Looks around and sees Naruto): Hmmm… I take it that you must be Naruto Uzumaki.

Naruto: Uh… yeah that's me.

Yondaime (Suddenly looking very happy): Naruto I've finally found you! Now I can tell you, what I've wanted to tell you for decades! …Naruto… I, Yondaime Hokage, of the village hidden in the leaves, am your father.

Naruto (Falling to his knees in a dramatic fashion): Nooooo!

Everyone: …

Naruto (Realization dawning on his face): Oh wait! That's a good thing!

Everyone sighed, this was going to be a long eternity.

Line

EF9: Well, there's my story, sorry for getting sidetracked. (Chuckles nervously)

Fairy Kyuubi: Thank you for reading and tell us what you think, in other words…

EF9: Please review! I need substance to llliiivvveeeeeee! (That line is not mine)

((1)): Originally I was going to put: Who needs television when you've got this guy?

TTFN!


End file.
